The Journey Back Home

This is no fool's day.

I can't decide if April will be a good month for me. My body has decided to give me an April's Fool day joke early this year. Here I am limping again with a swollen ankle, full of uric acid crystals.

I hate it cos the pain is persistent and distracting. It's hard to study like this and me being me, I would take any chance to excuse myself from the books.

I decided I need to take my health into my own hands. No more "my mum says this, my mum says that". But 30 bucks for medications is a bit too much for an undergrad but hopefully for the next 3 months it'll keep the uric acid in check.

Or so that's my new enemy; peanuts and legume.

Was supposed to mug at Starbucks today with my project mates but one girl couldn't come. She just broke up with her BF. It sure reminded me when I went thru that rough patch so long ago. But if there's anything I learnt, it is that one should never depend on others to feel and be loved. It sound narcissistic but you've got to learn to appreciate yourself first.

On a brighter note, I heard it's somebody's anniversary. If you are reading this Aesya, HAPPY 1ST YEAR ANN. May God bless you both with abundant love and blessings.

"Angin"

Sometimes I wonder what uni life will bring me. What have I learnt all this while if not my incompetence?

I guess I'm being typically me, the self-deprecatory Farhan. But it's hard when you see people who really have what it takes to go out there. I'm in awe and I do feel inferior but it's simply amazing their brilliance. Am I simply too self-critical, like what my JC art teacher told my parents?

I know different people do best for different things and I'm still looking for my niche. I really admire those who knew. I think you only do it well if that is you "angin". "Angin" is a Kelantanese concept of passion. I still remember when Dr J. asked me what's my passion in class. I stammered for I simply have no idea what I'm truly passionate about.

It's sad, I know. 21 and clueless. So NUS is a stepping stone of sort. I'm still being blown here and there, waiting till it finally settle me somewhere.

But maybe I'm not clueless. I just got no guts to pursue what I think blows my "angin" and so I deny it. Ahuh, see cognitive dissonance at play.

In any case, angin or no angin, exams are coming in less than a month. 3 more weekends to catch up with all those revision. Projects is nearly done and over with. Screwed up one but am rather optimistic about other. My group mates rock. They are so fab they brought hope to our otherwise dull report.

I thank God for this project. I had the opportunity to get to know people who turned out to be way different from what I expected them to be. We barely scratched the surface but it was fun sitting in Starbucks and editing shit-loads of reports. We ended up sharing our grievances in NUS more than we were supposed to. Hoping for many more of this....

S/U/P/E/R/F/I/C/I/A/L

People too often forget themselves when in love let alone their friends. I came across this too many times. They complain of others doing it to them yet when the time comes, they're guilty of the same crime.

And then you have the superficial friends, those with you're-not-hot-so-I'm-not-gonna-hang-around fucked-up attitude.

Seriously? Fuck off lah with your guy, your new bitch, whoever.....

Don't come crawling back with your tail between your legs when you need help.

The Blues

Arh must be the Monday blues. Or things are really messed up.

So my tutor has increased my assignment mark which isn't really of much help. Finally, he conceded. But then again he has gone now to being anal about my weekly reflection. I nearly failed last week's. I'm so gonna kiss his ass this way. I'm will break my bone if I have to so long as I blow his every neurons in his brain.

I started painting again like after so many year. It sure feels funny but at the same time, it's kinda cool you know like meeting somebody dear after so long. But hey with art, the only and the biggest pain is time. It's so oh time consuming and I have to finish painting Buddha and his consort by next month. Now you must be thinking what they are asking us to do in NUS. Hmmph! It sure beats designing interfaces.

I'm not a gem.

I seriously have no idea what I'm doing to myself. I have a test in 2 hours and here I am blogging again. But then again I have given up. Last minute cramming definitely doesn't work for me. Like so many times before this, only miracles can help. And I'm running short of supply. Looks like I need divine intervention.

I thought this semester would be different. For once I thought I've learnt not to be lazy but it seems I'm procrastinating more than before. I simply have no motivation to focus on my studies. They bore me easily. I also hate the fact that the people in NUS are so freaking smart. Sometimes I wonder how do they even think of that. I am beginning to wonder if I'm truly NUS material.

My dad asked me if I can cope yesterday. What does he expect me to say? No? If so what can he do to help? I guess I have to suck it all up. I'm just hoping for midterms to end and really catch up on my readings. You notice, while others are busy catching up with one another, I'm so on a different, insignificant level. *Sigh* I hate being stupid. :-(

I thought I could be good if not the best. At this point, I shall have to contend even being able to hang in on the balance. I'm just not trying hard enough but the problem is I don't even know how and what hard enough is. I'm born and bred in a very "blase' environment and so I'm not a gem. I'm just your ordinary stone than shimmers a bit.

So help me God.

Randomness

Psych paper was a killer and a disaster rolled into one. I was nearly hyperventilating 2 pages into the paper. I have seriously belittled the professors' ability to really set tough questions. It's either that or I have studied wrongly.

It's another paper this Friday and worst, it's essay type. I'm trying to cram all this media theories into my unhelpful brain and seriously I have the attention span of a goldfish, well maybe except when in front of the tube.

O, I can't wait for all this to end. Man, was I really envious when I saw people trying out their graduation gown at the coop. Mine will come soon I know but how it does I'm not sure. Things don't look well now.

And I hate you TKH! Why you lil...........

Jitters

*Sigh* Term break went by as fast as it came and being typical me, I end up clueless of what I've achieved after the whole week. Not that I didn't do anything but it's a matter of how much I did. Everyone in NUS studies, no kidding but what sets the one with 4.0 caps and the rest down there is the amount they spent with their books. And of course their legendary love affair with the library.

I focused a lot on Psychology, mainly because it was interesting to me but I have no idea why I feel so unprepared 3 hours before the paper. So here I am blogging. I am so on the right track.

I shouldn't have gone out on Thursday. I had started the momentum only to break midway. I was so lazy I didn't even submit my Teaching Award application. Seriously, that's the last straw.

On this whole issue of blogging (to my family at least), it is only natural we get ignorant green-horns abusing the privilege of web 2.0. Wow spoken like a true media student ahem. I guess they'll eventually learn their lesson albeit the hard way and if there's anything I've truly understand in life, it is just that. We feel angry about such people but somehow they are the ones who truly need our sympathy for the stupidest of all creatures are those who are confidently clueless of their ignorance. Think Plato :-)

Anyway, on being random, I did something I thought I didn't have the balls to do. I e-mailed my tutor and demand he gives me another chance to submit my reflection which he conveniently graded .8 for something I clearly hadn't been able to do. Finally, I'm growing into a true undergrad. Demand, demand, argue!!!!!!!!!!! I'm no push-over you old crink!

Arggghhhh the moment of reckoning!!!!!!!!

Hate this part right here...

I have lost my vest for blagging. In fact, on many occasions prior to this entry I have deleted half-entries.That much loss I have.

But this is something I must get off my chest. It's disturbing me just when I thought I have renewed my faith. I simply couldn't understand how something so distant can affect me in such an extent. I guess this is my way of learning, when it's wrong, there's no such things as first times. Once it's done, the peril of guilt and any other complications for that matter stays for good. Just like playing with fire, we see others do it and until we get seared to the bone, nothing can stop us from satisfying our curiosity. It's here to stay and all I can get out of it is this. The best thing is it started from something purely innocent if not benevolent. The wonders of God.

But I thank God for this serves as a lesson to me and my friends. May this never happen again.

Unfaithful and the case of undone assignments

I'm sorry Multiply but being like any other man, I just like to test other avenues of ermmm blogging. But well wordpress failed. So here I am back again and faithful this time.

I am now ranting because it's simply unbearable the agony of finishing assignments last minute. I have seriously no motivation to continue. What have I done during the long CNY break only God know. So much time yet so much is done!! Mercy on me God.

It must be the 2 consecutive chalets last weekend, back to back. I had just about to get 6 hours of sleep when I was whisked away to my cousin's bash. Friday's was Maj Ng and Cpt Low's so-called farewell gathering. Gosh I didn't know even after my ORD am I so heavily involved in such stuff. Fun, yes it was but it was tiring though; all that waiting and walking.

I was definitely blessed of me to meet the people after so long and it's been a while since I laughed myself silly till my ribs cramped. Saturday was extravagance on another level totally. But I'm glad we had it for I have seem to forgotten we still are a family.

God bless the people I love and those who likewise, love me. Most importantly God, help me with this assignment. :-)

Change is Coming (The Farhan Adminstration)

We have bade farewell to 2008 for a while now and I thought comes the new year a change in my life but it proves to be too persistent that it transcends time.

I did quite a lot of thinking during those free time I had. I realise, as cheesy as it sound, be the change you want to be. I wanted these changes so badly but I never did try the slightest bit to attempt them. And until I dare and am ready to, the things are here to stay.

While I can't change the things around me, I think it's always possible to do it on myself. Like any other year, I attempt a revolutionary 180 degrees change,usually short-lived. This year however I set myself on a slow path to betterment. No time-line, just go as it flow. Slowly but surely.

For a start, I have stop asking or longing for the things I think I don't need, tangible or not. I have adopted a more conscientious mindset towards my studies or is it just the start of term enthusiasm that I'm experiencing right now hmm?

I hope many other good things come my way this year. I really think somewhere deep inside I've changed though I can't really put a finger on it. But whatever it is I hope I'll eventually be the man I want to be. God's willing.

The Monster

I think I'll call these the darkest days of my life, as yet. Don't call me a drama mama but when you're battling yourself in the inside and when all the things around you seem to be far less than perfect, you'll truly understand why.

I find myself blaming my parents for raising such a monster like my brother and I find it disturbing still that I fantasise about the different ways he can die. Now, tell me what a monster I've become myself. I can't blame no other one but the ones who raised me up. I find it painful each day not being able to run away from this miserable state. I find it difficult to wake up finding myself yet again the helpless lad, unable to mend the winding path of fate.

I'm beginning to lose faith in friends, too, all at the same time. I began to be ultra sensitive to the things they do or doesn't do. I don't have many to begin with and I find myself trusting no one. Have I been to discerning?

I find myself running away far from being myself. Never have I felt myself to be not "qualified" to be me. Have I lost the real me or have I not been living for real all these years? Who are these people and why have they became so persistently irritating to me?

I have never cried when I failed before and yet now even before I knew the outcome I broke down, conceding defeat even before the fire is shot. I do not know what I have become or has this been the real me all this while? Is this an epiphany? Has god opened my eyes to see the real true monstrous me and the hideous family I have? Have we been like this for long?

I'm a monster, strayed from the true path of God and I can't save myself until I run forward to see what I had wanted to see all this while really exist. I have to go where things and people don't make me into the mess I am. I want to go where they are not there. But where?

Phewww.

Boy why am I relieved when only 1 paper is done and over with?

Thought I eventually decided not to study for Philosophy, it still remains a persistent worry ringing irritatingly in by conscience. But well, I managed to at least understand all the questions just now an to quote my friend, let's hope "I not that unlucky".

Suddenly, I realise the tutors have released a lot of the other nitty gritty results yesterday/today and here I am engulfed in numbers and panicking through various calculations to draw some light to where I stand now. Though nowhere at the top, I can maybe safely say I'm not too worried but I hope nothing too dramatic props up anywhere in between that changes my fate.

It is today that I realise I worry about certain things too much and when I triumphed over such worries, I tend to cast of off as pure miracle or luck. That's typically me. That way, I realise I'll never learn how to be confident of myself. It is never my ability but luck or some intervention from above. It is all other things but myself.

It's really some burden off my shoulders. A little more persistence and the lack of sleep and I'll be done.

Under a 1000 pounds rock

I've been under tremendous pressure but it surely isn't showing in my "dis-enthusiasm" to study. There's a lot to do and no matter how hard I try, for sure there'll be like another 200-300 other fuckers who will trounce me effortlessly. Not that it really helps they exams are mcqs. It only make it easier for em, fuckers. God!

Initially I thought I am the only one feeling this way but when I spoke to Aisyah this afternoon, I somehow found a bit of solace in knowing there is another like me, at least one other more. But she did got 3.7 for her GPA in her 1st year. I'm just so freaked out.

I miss knowing that whatever you do, you'll never be anywhere near the bottom. It's so hard to adapt. People are just so smart and you just do not know where you are. All you know is that they are fucking smart.

This is what I wanted and this is what I'll get. Mercy on me, Lord.

I'm blanked.

I can't figure out why I tend to blog at the weirdest time; 5 minutes before lesson and like now when I clearly need every minute for revision. I guess it therapeutic to be rambling at random.

I am so glad the week is over but I wish I had really made use of it to write a damn good Philo essay. I was always putting it away and in the end I find myself awake the whole of Thursday night squeezing my brains, trying to be enigmatic like they way it's always done. I'm glad it's done but that seriously wasn't my best.

I am really taxed by double-guessing myself. It's hard when you are surrounded by fucking smart people whose hand brain would probably be smarter than half of my brain. Am I stupid or simply not cut out for uni? It's hard trying to keep up and losing them further and further. This is only the 1st lap and I find myself seriously drained. And I'm getting lazy because of that. I've lost my "mojo".

Exams are in 2 weeks time. I hope I can at least scrape a 3.5 GPA or bye-bye to honours. God, make me smarter or luckier.

Some mundane stuff.

Hari Raya is coming to an end very soon. That was real fast I must say. Lots of events towards the end. My weekends are burnt I guess. But it's ok for I have a 1-day week next week. No tutorial, no lectures and I don't know why. Not that I care. I'm going to use all the time to catch up.

To get to next week I must first pass the current week, which is ending tommorow in any case. And there are 3 submissions tommorow and I have by far only completed one yet here I am rambling again. What can I say, it's therapeutic.

I can't wait till I submitted each and every single shit and I'll be relatively free. But I do know what type of standard I'm giving but apparently many of the last minute philo essay got my friend unreasonably good grades. Like Plato would say, it has got to be your innate ability, not inborn but innate. If there is any innate ability in me, it has got to be procrastinating. That's one thing I'll never do wrong.

Talking about grades, I have gotten my mid-term for CNM and Philo essay results. I'm seriously dissapointed with the former, having studied like weeks before the test. I passed but I didn't make it pass average. Those who went in the LT, like totally unprepared and resigned to fate came back with miraculous results. See, those are the kind of people I'm pitting myself against. God help this neighbourhood-college graduate.

But thank God I passed Philo though. That was considered last minute but not really that last-minute-done-5-hours-before-submission which got 23/25. Sigh.

Oh well....21 yea..so?

Ya well tommorow is my birthday. They say 21 and you get the key. I seriously need to know what door it opens.

It's practically blank. I do not know what to feel turning 21. I really envy those who celebrate their 21st ostentatiously but what is it all about?. Nothing sucks more than turning 21 knowing how little you have achieved. I'm not a pessimist, I'm merely being realistic. Look at those luck 23 year-olds in the State who are making million by the time they cut their cake with 20 candles on it. Me? I'm just a broke undergrad, living day by day, lectures to lecture, tutorials to tutorials. I'm not blaming anyone here. If there is any, it would be me.

I had really wanted to just sit down for a cuppa and maybe a slice of chessecake for tommorow but since I had the Oreo cheesecake at Mac yesterday, I've lost that craving. Hmm there goes my plan.

Well maybe skipping Social Work lecture tommorow seems like a nice present to self. Top it off with a nice Japanese meal at Pasir Ris. Damn, that's one treat I like.

Post-Ramadhan

So the complementary medicine mid-term test wasn't at all technical as I had assumed. It's seriously application and if I had known better I would be freaking wasting my time memorising scientific names of plants. Bloody hell!

Well those who know me would know I don't really look forward that much to Hari Raya but to have the mood (or whatever is left in me) spoilt by some bitch is truly, fucking, plain evil. My family was freaking devastated lah. And just watch out you bitch, there's no corner my wrath can't reach. Wait till I get my farking hands on you. Farking rot in hell MF.

Hah! That's how angry I am. Having finished 2 damn test, I though I would be able to maybe enjoy a lil bit of holiday mood but this had to happen. It was deliberate I know. Damn you.

Back to school and it felt like ages since I last studied. Didn't do any reading for South Asian tutorial and that uber-vain tutor will grill me like some tandoori chicken. But I don't know why but I feel more motivated to study today. Must be the 2 days break. I anticipate getting elbow-deep in books again with all the deadline coming. This is just the calm before the storm.

Another test in 2 weeks and I'm beginning to worry about how I'll do for the 2 tests but considering my tutor smiled at me just now, I'm hoping for at least an ok grade for CNM. It was a genuine-I-begin-to-like-you smile. Hope I'm right on that.

Alas time for the dreaded SN tutorial.

The one test that took me

I just had my first test ever in uni and man I can tell you it's really a life-changing experience. Never have I felt that scared out of my balls before. It's seriously mental and I was standing amidst the million or so people outside the LT feeling like a failure already. I had prepared. But not too well and the reason I'm scared is because they had specifically not told us how things are going to be asked. So I have no idea at all what and how they are gonna set the paper.

Well, all I can say my prep served me well. So much for the panic but phew, one over another to go.

Actually for the other one, which is in like 45 min, is the one I should start panicking about. I have only started reading the notes yesterday after midnight and nothing make sense to me at all. It's sad cause I really like this module but I reckon it'll need more work than this. Haiz the only consolation is that I can S/U it, meaning the grade won't affect my GPA at all but still failing a test can only do more harm to my already belittled morale.

I think the failing part is the easier part. The going in and not knowing what shit to write is the painful one. I do hope I can even make some sense of the question or maybe even make use of the 2 hours to catch up on my sleep.

I have done it again I guess. Never, never been prepared for an exam before, like really I-read-the-text-15-times prepared. Typical me huh?

A short one.

Let me see if I can do this in 15 minutes, in time for my New Media tut....

Ok the weekend was hell. It was like a mini Hari Raya of sort. My grandparent who I guess mistunderstood my mother's intention came over for break fast. So, my mother being the women she is, insisted that the house is spick and span. So everybody was made to task and I had the privilege of scrubbing the toilet clean. Not that I'm lazy, but my freaking test( tests if you will) will be the week after next and I don't see why my hell of a brother can pass by with such simple chore? But the point is, is all these necessary?

She pushed us and herself for that matter too hard just to what, please 2 old folks? Did I mention that she cried in the kitchen arguing with me on which detergent to use or not for the kitchen tile.

Trust me there'll be more in 2 weeks time.

Remember the last time I lost my mobility thanks to gout. Yesterday the pain on my left index finger got so bad that it's impossible to really do anything. Went to UHWC and they did a blood test and my uric acid level had ricocheted sky high. Mine was like 11.7. Any normal person's would be, say, 3. I'm on medication and hey God says if you are sick you cannot fast...:-) And I'm not telling my mum about this. Not as if she would care.

Alas just it time.

Sleeping Beauty

I do not know what's wrong with me nowadays but I've been sleeping more than ever. I went to sleep yesterday right after breaking fast, woke up for Sahur and slept till like 5 just now.

This has been happening for a week or two which led me to suspect it must be the fasting. Yesterday was excusable I guess for I didn't catch even a wink the day before and by the second lecture my neck was freaking stiff and my head started hurting again. Again it doesn't help that lecture for CAM was on aromatherapy. They were burning essential oil and I seriously though I was on high heavens.

I though with the workload now I would be more engulfed in revising and what not. It a problem that I have. Procrastination and not knowing what my priorities are. See, I'm blogging instead of starting on my reading. I really need to stay on track, especially when all my tutorials mates seems to have swallowed the coursepack whole that nothing that came out of their mouth seem to be out of tangent to the topic. Man I hate them. I hate Holbo more though, that Philo lecturer though it might not be really his fault I catch no ball. Might be accent thought.

On the other hand, Hari Raya is coming faster than expected. Not that I expect a lucrative "collection" but I guess some of my relative wouldn't be such scrooge. If all fails I still have the GST package of whice a third will go to settling bills. I need to get a new MP3 players (for all that Philo podcast), more clothes, new slippers, laptop screen cover and just many more stationary and paraphernalia.

By the way, is it weird that I'm kind of addicted to the Rachel Ray show? Hmm?

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